Update from Metropolis

I know.  I know.  It's been way too long since I did this.  I guess I could say no news is good news!  Life is really OK.  Superman is doing well.  He has accepted his vision problems.  He has accepted the fact that he can't drive anymore.  He's accepted the fact that even kryptonite can't even save that part of him.  He's doing really well.  The memory and the vision, I think, are as good as they will ever be.  But that's alright.  We deal with it.  He is actually well enough for me to go back to work.  I've gotten a job and start soon.  

I'm looking forward to it and so is Bob.  We need a little space.  Even though I love this man.  I need some space. Superman has little fits of frustration, little episodes of over-sensitivity that he didn't ever feel before the stroke, and an occasional burst of "mad.  But his original personality has slowly come back.  I probably said that when I met Superman he was the sweetest superhero I ever met.  That sweetness has slowly started to come back.  It's nice.  

In addition to that he tries to create projects for himself now.  Little projects around the house, fixing things, taking dishes out of the dishwasher and he even has a little tomato garden on the deck.  I'm very proud of him.  He tries to be productive and that makes him feel more independent and useful.  

God has been with us every step of this journey.  I'm still scared a little about the future, but I know I have no control.  So, you move forward with faith and you trust.  I have learned to accept and appreciate.  Appreciate our life right now.  Accept Bob's limitations.  Accept that I have no control.  Most of all accept the grace and blessings that have been given to us with thankfulness and much appreciation.

Just wanted to say that Superman and Lois Lane are doing just fine.

From the home of Hope & Courage,

Jody

Look! Up in the sky! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Superman!

"Yes, it's Superman - strange visitor from another planet who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Superman - who can change the course of mighty rivers, bend steel with his bare hands, and who, disguised as Clark Kent, mild mannered reporter for a great metropolitan newspaper, fights the never ending battle for Truth, Justice and the American Way."  

Yes, Bob, alias Superman, is alive and going strong.  His medication for his memory is doing remarkable things.  He's almost back to normal.  It's wonderful.  He still has a little short-term memory loss but the big things he seems to remember.  His vision is still an issue but I think it's better also.  At least it seems so.  He's cooking out on the grill, he's helping around the house and trying to do projects.  WOW!!!  Right now, we are blessed - life is good.  In fact, Clark Kent is showing up now and then.  You know, the sweet old Bob (I mean Clark).  The really sweet man, I fell in love with last summer.  But who always thought he was Superman (in disguise of course) and nothing could ever harm him.

Now we still have our moments, where I don't know what he remembers and what he doesn't and he gets irritated with me for "telling him what to do."  But Lois is doing OK, too.  My patience is better than it used to be...I guess it had to get better huh?  

So, I'm reporting good things.  I know life is full of surprises and unforeseen events, so I'm living in the moment.  Superman is living in the moment and right now he is "faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and able to leap tall buildings in a single bound."  I'm sorry if that reference just goes over some people's heads like a flash but us Baby Boomers know what I mean.

I thank God every day and since I've given it all up to him and I have stopped worrying on a minute to minute basis, things are good.  That's just about all - THINGS ARE GOOD RIGHT NOW!!! 

From the home of Hope & Courage,
Jody

Stand By Your Man

I really do not like that Tammy Wynette song "Stand By Your Man."  I always thought it was absolutely ridiculous for a woman to accept the weakness of "her" man and just stand by and allow him to be an idiot and then forgive him.  I don't know the whole story about that song, but I always thought she was singing about George Jones (the biggest idiot).  Nope not me!  Well, according to the Serenity Prayer, we pray for the ability to accept what we cannot change, courage to change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference.  I am trying to apply this prayer to my acceptance of Bob and the way he is right now.  I also know that I must change a lot about me, too.

Superman is better.  He's been on a memory medication that is wonderful and I can tell a big difference.  His vision isn't much better but maybe that will come later.  What's different is his memory and his cognitive thinking ability.  He is also beginning to do some projects (small ones) around the house.  The part I'm having trouble with is the smoking.  Since he's so much better, it seems he remembers he's addicted to nicotine - like big time!  He asks me now a couple of times a day to drive him up to the QuickTrip and buy him a pack and I say no.  I have been lecturing him that they will kill him or put him in a vegetative state, etc. etc.  He doesn't care.  He really doesn't care.  So, I think he's killing himself.  His addiction is so strong that it doesn't matter if he lives for me, or for his grandchild or his kids.  It makes me so angry.

Today, I'm working on acceptance because I cannot fight his stubbornness and his determination to be independent in this capacity.  I said it before I won't be his policeman.  Now, I know he can't work and he can't drive.  The two favorite things he did.  So I believe that smoking is something he CAN do and he can have control over.  I pray for the ability to accept this and move on.  I love Bob and I must accept him for what he is doing.  I don't have to like it, and I don't have to buy the cigarettes, but I do have to accept this behavior.  I've only been married for 2 1/2 months and I don't think I can say "it's me or cigarettes" (I'm afraid he'd say the cigs).  Maybe if I'd been married 20 years it would be different.  I met him and fell in love with Superman just as he was - a smoker.  It's just the knowing that now each cigarette brings him closer to a big stroke and I'm scared to death.

I know that the defiance is part of the stroke but it's also part of the man.  A man who has always been independent and has lived hard all his life.  And, face it woman of the world, all men are basically very selfish creatures.  This is a known fact and an indisputable one.  So add selfishness to the package and what have you got?   Superman!!!

Good news is that he is doing so much better that I can take a full time job soon (as soon as I can get one).  That will be good for both of us.  We're talking about getting a dog and I think that would be great for Bob to have a companion while I'm at work.  Let you know!

I pray that I can live the Serenity Prayer.  I pray that God grants it to me and to all the other woman out there who are caregivers in one way or another to their stroke victim husbands.  Amen.

From the home of Hope & Courage,
Jody

Power Outage

This week was painful.  First of all, I had minor (compared to brain surgery anyway) surgery on Monday.  I'm still sore and still taking an occasional pain pill but overall, I think I'm going to live.  Phew!!  Lois Lane is going to be fine to help Superman save the world.  Superman on the other hand is having trouble with adjusting to the situation.  I think it's because our everyday schedule has been disrupted.  He likes a schedule (sort of).  He only had to stay by himself for a couple of hours on Monday while I recuperated from surgery and then on Tuesday until my daughter came and picked him up to go get me from the hospital.   As a result, Superman had to fix his own lunch on Tuesday!!  (da da da DUH)  I called him from my hospital bed around lunchtime on Tuesday and tried to instruct him in step by step on making a sandwich.  He can't see good enough to find items in the fridge.  So I remembered the meatloaf wrapped in aluminum foil and told him to get it, some ketchup on the door and bread on the counter.  He was set!!  When my daughter came to the hospital to pick me up, along with Bob and my future son-in-law, she told me what she had found when she had gone to my house.  

"Mom, there was remnants of some kind of sandwich on the counter in the kitchen.  He had made a sandwich out of chocolate cake and ketchup."

We couldn't help but to burst out laughing.  Apparently, Superman could not distinguish between a gooey chocolate dessert and my meatloaf.  How in the world did he eat this I asked him.  He said it did taste a little funny.  Ya, got to laugh!!!

Also, this change of schedule, where I'm mostly lying in bed all day, has made him even more fidgety.  He is going stir crazy because I can't drive and so he asks me for the car keys.  Again, the "Hide the Keys" game becomes daily!  I promised him when I could drive we'd go on errands, have lunch out and do whatever he would like to do.  Not good enough!  He takes a lot of walks outside which ends up being good for him.  Of course, that's just my opinion.

I'm a lot better now.  I can fix lunch and even heat up leftovers so things are starting to get back to normal.  Lately though, Superman is showing SUPER STUBBORN POWER!!!  I guess if you are Superman, you are allowed to have this super power.  I, being Lois Lane, didn't realize that this was a super power until now.  I have had to brush up on a well-known womanly power known as "anti-grump-stubborn-irritable male" power.  You know the one ladies.  It gets us through those dark days when men have turned themselves into annoying beings.  So armed with my super power I will combat his super power and we will see who comes out the winner.

We have to go to the VA this coming week.  A doctor's appointment and vision testing.  Busy week.

The Power struggle between men and women is ongoing.  When a situation evokes the necessity for one person to exhibit "power" over another then there lies the problem.  But Power really only comes from God.  If we accept this in our lives, the more peace we will experience.  I wish Superman would relinquish his power and realize that my efforts are for his own good and that the big stuff I leave to God. I've discovered the Serenity Prayer.  It's not just for recovering addicts and alcoholics but for anyone who needs patience and acceptance like me (and Bob).  I want to thank God for all he has given us and pray that I have enough strength to face the future with Bob.

From the home of Hope & Courage,

Jody

Don't Worry, Be Happy!

Often in my life a little rain must fall.  In fact, in everyone's life rain falls.  But, thanks to the wonderful traits handed down to me from my late mother, I make the rain worse by worrying about where it will fall, how hard it will fall, will there be lightening or thunder with the rain--you get the drift.  I, unfortunately, have passed this trait onto my kids.  Poor dears.  I know intellectually that I don't need to worry, in fact, it does no good to worry.  I have no control over most things and so it's futile to worry about anything.  But I do.  Now I mostly worry about Superman!  Lois worries about Superman!  I have to have minor surgery tomorrow and I will be gone for one night.  His son and daughter-in-law will be staying with him but I still worry about when I get home and I have to be taken care of.  Will he be OK?  I'm sure he probably will but nevertheless I will worry.  

There are things I have to take care of to make sure Superman will be OK.  Things have to be left out on the kitchen counter because he can't find anything in cabinets.  We have to rehearse where food is in the refrigerator, change the cat litter (that's not for him), and lots of other things.  I got up this morning worrying so much that everything wouldn't get done.  Now, I am a list maker, so the list was written and crossed off.  There's one more thing I had to do.

I had to hide my car keys.  Superman keeps forgetting that he can't drive.  Now, don't worry, you don't have to hide because of the threat of Bob in his Corvette!  Not gonna happen!  I think it's just so hard for him to accept the fact that he can't drive.  He forgets and says things like, "Give me the keys and I'll take this trash to the dumpster."  Very casually.  I have to then give him the reality check.  Its so hard.  He immediately argues with me and tells me that I can't tell him what to do, etc.  I have to just walk away or we will argue and it doesn't do us any good.  I guess we went through that about 5 or 6 times this week.  It's not new but more frequent.  I've decided to hide my keys just in case.  I'd love for Superman (alias Clark Kent) to be able to drive Lois around in his cool car.  It would be like it was before.  Before the stroke.

Smoking Alert!  He has gotten a pack of cigarettes somewhere and he's hiding them.  Don't know what I can do about it.  I might have to go on a hunt during the middle of the night...in other words, RAID!!!

I have so much to worry about I could do just that all day long!!!  But I must put it all in God's hands. 

From the home of Hope & Courage,
Jody

Superman's Strange Case

The story of "The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" is that of a dual personality disorder of a scientist.  Today the term "Jekyll and Hyde" is used to mean that the two personalities of a person are very different in moral character from one another.  That's not the case in this story of Dr. J and Mr. H.  This story of different temperaments or moods goes on in my very own condo.  Yep, Superman is struggling with two personalities.  I know it's because of the stroke and I keep having to remind myself over and over.  I read that the caregiver must realize that the emotions of the victim are coming from the stroke not from his own self.  So I can be mad at the stroke not at the man!  I know this intellectually.  When Bob and I first met he was such an easy going guy.  I don't remember him ever changing his mood much and he rarely complained.  Now he stresses, gets irritated and downright mad and I'm the recipient of all of it.  I am the bad guy!  I am the enemy when the "other" personality of Superman appears.  It is amazing how he can perk up when we see other people though.  Why is that?  When we go out, he can be the old Bob and so friendly and nice and happy go lucky!  It's infuriating.  I know it's because I am the day to day person in his life.  I'm the closest. 

I think (and I'm analyzing here) that when he gets up in the morning he realizes that he's not the same.  It's like waking up and still being in a dream or in this case, a nightmare.  He's not the same.  He can't see well.  He can't read.  He can't drive (even though he thinks he still can which makes me hide my keys) or work.  He can't remember.  I have to constantly remind him of the CANs.  He can walk and talk and think.  He can carry on a conversation with anyone.  He can be part of a relationship with me.  He can hold his baby grandson and watch him grow up.  He can get married and have his grandson be at his wedding.  He can take care of all his daily needs except for fixing food.  That's a challenge because he can't see where the food is or remember where things are in the kitchen.  But there are soooooooo very many things he can do.  He is so blessed that the stroke did not do more damage.  I am so happy for that blessing.

There are times when I have to just let him be his unhappy self.  I bite my tongue (not an easy thing for me to do as anyone who knows me can attest to).  There is nothing I can do about it.  I can't fix Superman.  I have no responsibility to be the fixer.  All I can do is be here for him when he needs me; or if he wants to vent about things.  But men don't talk about issues whether they've had a stroke or not.  I think women handle everything better than men because we have the ability to talk about everything.  But this Dr. J and Mr. H. thing is hard on a new marriage.  But I don't know what I'm talking about (according to Superman).

There are lots of good times in our young (I use the term loosely) marriage.  Superman and Lois live a good life and really can't complain.  I love him, he loves me and most every day there are some definite high points.  It's a work in progress -- just like all marriages.  I just have to be on guard and make sure I don't let my emotions get in the way of being patient and strong.  I pray to God to please give me those qualities so I can do and say the right things in order to help and not hinder Bob's progress and our relationship.  I thank Him so much for His blessings.

This coming week we go to the VA for an appointment with someone that maybe he will talk to.  It couldn't hurt and I think it just might help.

When anyone asks Superman how he is feeling or just how he is in general, he responds:
     "I'm fine, great."


From the home of Hope & Courage,
Jody

Come sail away!

Sailing

Takes me away

To where I always heard it could be

Just a dream and the wind to carry me

And soon I will be free

I loved the song "Sailing" by Christopher Cross.  Remember it?   He painted a picture with his voice and words.  It was so nice to listen while closing your eyes and visualizing the peacefulness.  Life can be like that and then some.  Life can be like sailing on a large sailboat.  First of all, this time last year I would have no way predicted that I could find the love of my life, gotten engaged and then married.  I just let the life's sailboat carry me through the rough waters to the calm waters of last year.  I met my Superman.

Then came some rough seas.  The AS (after Stroke) time warp!  I, of course, would never have predicted that I would be daily helping my soul mate navigate through his life because of a stroke.  You know that's a good word--navigate.  I'm definitely the one trying to steer the boat through this first stage of our marriage.  Don't get me wrong, Bob is better.  If I look back to the day I brought him home from the hospital, he's so very much improved.  That's what I have to do--look back to the beginning to bring myself forward.  That is way I realize improvement.  He is helping me at the helm little by little.  So as I attempt to navigate, with God's help, I notice some strange and wonderful things on our horizon.

I have decided that Superman & Lois have SUPER GRANDCHILDREN!  Of course, we do.  Yesterday, Bob and I spent the evening with my family for the April birthday party.  The celebration consisted of my granddaughter Olivia's birthday, my new grandson, Daniels, first birthday in the USA, even my youngest granddaughter's March (they snuck her in), and my birthday as well.  It was such a lovely get together and Bob and I enjoyed watching the kids do their thing.  Daniel with his Star Wars paraphernalia with Ava helping him while watching a Star Wars movie on TV; Olivia being a beautiful 13 year old observing just from the outside the main circle and Brady catching fly balls with his Dad, my son, Brad.  We enjoyed every minute. 

Last weekend, we spent an evening with Bob's new grandson, Weston, Bob's youngest son, Matt and his wife, Anne.  Bob is so full of joy watching that little baby and every time we see him he changes.  That young family is on our horizon.  Today we will see Bob's other son, Mike and his wife, Dianne.  We'll probably go out to lunch and have a really special afternoon.  This is our future.  This is family.  No matter what lies ahead of our journey, the families will be there; the grandchildren will be there.  Constant ships on the horizon!

The unknown is there though.  Those unknown unrecognized blurry objects that you can't really see out there even when you look through your binoculars!  While standing on the swaying deck, you can't see them; they are obscure.  As I try to steer us through one step at a time, I keep hitting those small iceburgs (in Georgia?) or maybe it's just large waves in Lake Lanier?  As Bob gets better, he also becomes a little more depressed.  It's the realization that he is not working, that he can't handle the finances, that he can't drive; I guess all the can'ts.  I try to remind him that Superman has come a long way baby!  He CAN be left alone for short periods of time.  He CAN remember better than he could before.  He CAN see a little better than he did before.  The CAN's do outshine the can'ts.  Now it's the mental and emotional aspects of Superman that seem to overcome our daily lives.  

Please God, steer us on the right course.  Please make our journey the one you want us to take.  Please give Bob & I patience to endure the crossing.

I have found a fantastic discussion group on the National Stroke Association Facebook page that has opened my eyes and given me such an awareness of other stroke caregivers and victims.  The woman on the Spouse Caregivers discussion group are amazing.  They are a handful of women from around the globe who have put their lives on hold for their spouses.  They care for the loves of their lives and are angels with huge wings!  To participate in this group make me realize that my small issues with Bob's stroke symptoms and behavior are so minimal compared to what these women have gone through and are still going through on a daily basis.  It also give me a place to vent knowing that these women have been where I am and beyond.  God bless them all!

From the home of Hope & Courage,

Jody