Will you still need me; Will you still feed me; When I'm sixty-four?

Well, that's me, Lois Lane (if only I looked that good and that young).  It's AS (after stroke) and I have a responsibility to Bob!!!  Excuse me, Superman.  To make sure his injustices are not ignored.  Boy, I wish it was that easy.  Sometimes I am too old and too tired to fight the forces of evil. 

Bob is a stubborn man.  Aren't all men?  Especially men (and women) who have been here on this earth awhile.  We know it all and we will be the first ones to tell the younger generation how it is.  So, Bob has been told numerous times that he is supposed to eat healthy and not to smoke.  Well, because he is afflicted with short term memory loss, he forgets that he can't do these things until confronted. At times he has even forgotten that he has had a stroke.  I think sometimes maybe it's a convenient forgetfulness and that makes me upset.  But nicotine addiction is strong. Every once in a while, he finds a cigarette.  One time he asked the painter outside, one time the garbage man, and one time he found one in his car.  I went through his car but he must have a stash somewhere. The other night, he took off his socks and a pack of cigarettes fell to the floor and he looked astounded because he had forgotten it was there.   I felt like a cop finding drugs on a perp. We both burst out laughing at first, then I was all serious when I gave him the "No Smoking" lecture and what the doctor said, etc. etc.

I don't want to be a policeman.  So sometimes I don't say anything.  Sometimes Lois just doesn't have the stamina and strength and I have my weak moments...moments when when we go out for breakfast and he orders a Belgum Waffle with strawberries and vanilla ice cream AND SYRUP and I just sit there!!  I don't say anything because I don't want to see the defiance in his eyes.  There is this little boy who doesn't want anyone to tell him how to live, or what to eat or drink.  The rest of his life is at my mercy, and he wants some independence back.  I can not imagine how horrible he feels. 

And I'm scared.  I'm scared of the memory lapses.  I'm being honest here.  I'm scared that his memory will not come back.  I am told that he will probably get the vision back, but the memory is questionable.  He doesn't realize it but he is a broken record.  Some days are so repetitious they are predictable.  When we leave the house, Bob always asks me if I have the keys, then do I know where we are going, and later while we are driving, if I know where I am...it goes like this every day.  He doesn't remember these things.  This scares me.  He can ask me where his phone is five times in ten minutes.  Some days I see no improvement in the memory area.   But then there are times when it's like nothing happened.  And out of the blue, he will surprise me and remember something that happened recently. 

We went to the eye clinic on Friday where they have a program for stroke victims.  They evaluated him and gave him a good prognosis for vision recovery.  We were thrilled at what they said.  The vision therapist gave us exercises to do at home, so we'll keep you posted on the progress.  Bob's Primary Care Physician told us that she wanted to get him into a program for "forgetful" people (mostly old people...I didn't tell him that).  So there will be future memory therapy as well as vision therapy, occupational and speech therapy.  I think after we see the neurologist next week, we will have done all, medically-speaking, that we can to help Bob with recovery.

I think all in all Lois Lane and Superman are doing pretty well I suppose.  We're not kids and anytime you have to go through a trauma, whether physical or mental, its just plain hard.  The effects are doubled with age.  In fact, even though it's all a relative issue, if you're over 60 - well, you're kinda old.  Whether the patient or the caregiver, at this age, it takes a toll.  You get plain ornery.  You get irritable and you're not always the best person you can be.  Get my drift here?  I am beginning to understand why old people act like they don't care what other people think.  I'm getting there.  I had two elderly aunts who were as cute as they could be.  When they were in their 80's (I think), we all went to dinner with my father, who was also 82.  They were hysterical.  They were demanding, and unforgiving to the waiters.  I remember asking one of them, why she was being so demanding.  Her reply was (and I'm as serious as a stroke), "because I'm old and I am deserving."  At the time, I was shocked that she felt that way.  But I understand better now.  Bob and I are on our way down that road.


On Saturday a somewhat forgetful Superman and a stressed-out Lois Lane went to lunch and sat together on the same side of a booth.  We giggled like teenagers, cuddled and held hands and Bob kissed me a couple of times.  I know people don't know what to make of two old geezers acting like that.  But we didn't care and I love it.  We forgot about the stroke for a little while and pretended like nothing had ever happened.  Like we were BS (before stroke).

From the home of Hope & Courage,
Jody